Facebook and I have a complicated ménage à trois with Dating. I know that this is a debate topic between other dating and relationship bloggers, but as for me and my house, I do not “deny” Facebook friendship requests (ever heard of filters?). It’s the defriending process that’s less clear. During my Match.com experience, Facebook friending was part of the usual getting-to-know-you process. We become Facebook friends, usually after emailing and before meeting.

But why and when do you defriend someone? A couple of weeks ago, Francois defriended me. He was abrupt and not very nice about it, and it hurt. It was the first time I’ve been so blatantly defriended. After I broke up with him, he persistently asked, every couple of days, if we could hang out “as friends.” I kept responding, rather politely, that I couldn’t, at least not yet. He said he understood but after yet another request/polite refusal, he sent me this email: Okok, up to you. That was my last invite then. Consider we are not even friend anymore. Its sad but it’s what you want. I also have to learn to ignore people like everybody does here. And sure enough, when I opened my Facebook account that evening, his profile suddenly had this little button next to it:Defriended! But as much as that hurt, I wondered if Francois had a point. How long could we really go on pretending to be “friends”? He pulled the plug first, and he was careless doing so, but it was inevitable, right?

Or was it …? After reflecting, I realized that I’m still friends with most of my exes on Facebook. Let me give you the rundown of some of the major players: It's odd, but it works. 1) First Boyfriend, Lives Several Continents Away: We write each other rarely, no more than twice a year, to say “hello.” I put the filters on him and hide him from my stream. Interaction Level: 1/10. 2) Four Year Ex: We still share a cell phone bill and several dozen mutual friends who are, yes, “real.” We were best friends and would like to remain friends (“best acquaintances”?). In addition to hanging out once every month or two for lunch, we comment on the occasional photo, post “hello”s on each other’s wall, and remember to send short “Happy Birthday” messages. Interaction Level: 4/10. 3) Various One-Date Wonders, Random Guys I Meet at Coffee Shops, etc.: We connected once, there may or may not have been an attraction there, and within 24 hours we were “friends.” How it usually turns out? We don’t ever talk again. Interaction Level: 0-1/10.

4) “Are We Friendly, or Flirting?” Guys: Think Itzli and Payam; guys who write me messages, “like” my photos and meet me at parties, but don’t set up dates, don’t seem to be overtly flirting and just seem to want to be friends. Interaction Level: 2-3/10. 5) Others I’ve Dated (and Broken Up With): Jeremi, Ansel, etc; guys I’ve liked, dated, been very attracted to. Am I keeping the fire warm for them, in case they suddenly turn into the types of guys I want to date? Maybe. Is that so bad? Are they pining after me? Maybe, if their consistent photo “likes” and wall comments are any indication. Interaction Level: 3-4/10. 6) Actual Guy Friends: These are guys I’ve known for years, never toyed with the idea of dating them (ok, maybe once, for a day or two) and the sort of people who will send me a quick message with photos of their baby son, or invite me to their wedding. Basically, they’re like brothers to me. Interaction Level: 1-3/10. I know that I’m an open personality, which brings me in contact with amazing people in my life, but am I too open? Should I be taking a page out of Francois’ book and defriending more often? No. It’s not that I don’t defriend (none of my Match.com dates except Ansel are Facebook friends), it’s that I always ask myself these two questions before defriending anyone: Is this defriending necessary? Is he bothering me, obsessively pining after me or trying to ruin my reputation? Is his presence in my life a negative one? For example, is he always complaining about other people / his life in his updates? If I answer “yes” to any of those questions …